Hoildays and Stress

The holiday season can be a time of stress for many. Even though I love the holidays, I do acknowledge it can be a stressful time. This is a theme often seen in Christmas movies. It is often funny when viewed on the big screen. It is not so funny when it makes people unhappy and miserable.

The stressors can be parental problems, sibling rivalry, in-laws or an extended family member that is the sore spot. We all have someone that is a stressor in our families. It seems these people have a knack for knowing people's stress triggers. They can smell fear and sense uncertainly. They often drudge up unrealistic expectations. They are the ones that can bluntly bring up unpleasant issues for example divorce, affairs, financial setbacks, loss of a job, family problems, career problems, and the list goes on and on.... They ask questions like how much you earn? How much did your house or car cost? They ask nosy questions about your children's grades, careers and your children's personal lives. They often ask in a manner that seems like they care. The nosy individuals wants to know about other people's lives, and problems. The nosy individual can be extremely intrusive.

Some of these people seem to take pleasure in hurting others or starting trouble. They often try to build themselves up by tearing others down. These types of individuals usually have emotional problems. They often fight depression and anxiety. They can be filled with anger, and suffer from low self-esteem. They may seem to have it together, but in reality they have major issues. Some of these individuals are just simply filled with the devil. They are mean, evil, and wicked.

 

These individuals can only be effective if you let them. You have the power no manner who you are to take a stand, and do not back down from the bully. You need to acknowledge when your own autonomy, self rule, and self-esteem are being invaded. First and foremost you need to stop, step back and protect yourself in a calm voice. You can try to minimize hostility and confrontation by NOT focusing on the unwelcome behavior.

These bullies for the lack of a better word do not know the definition of a boundary. They do not understand what you are responsible for and what they are responsible for as human beings. The answer to your situation is boundaries. You need boundaries.

When setting boundaries you can not worry about being offense, you have a right to set or re-establish  boundaries of your life. The best way to start setting boundaries is to show empathy, be positive and be clear about what you want and say it to the person. 

Let the person know the relationship is important to you. Simply and calmly tell them what they said or did bothers you. State you want to make sure that it does not happen again because you value the relationship.State it is alright if your feelings are hurt when talking about the situation.You want a honest conversation. Be calm, yet firm in establishing your boundaries, state your position but do not go into long explanations. Long explanations will only dilate your point. The bully can take a long explanation as a sign of weakiness and pounce on the situation.

We need to realize boundaries change over time. Behavior that is appropriate between parents and small children will change as the children grow in to adults. Parents often have a hard time with the new boundaries. They feel as though you are leaving them out of your life. This desperate feeling can lead to undesirable behavior in parents. Again, I want to remind you to show empathy, be positive and be clear about what you want and say it to the person.  Remind the person, the relationship is important to you.

When ask a question that makes you uncomfortable about relationships, or children simply, and kindly state that is a personal manner between you and the other person. If they continue to question you, state you do not discuss such situations. When being questioned about your adult children, simple and kindly tell the nosy person that is your child's personal business. If they persist with questions, inform the nosy person, you do not stick your nose in your child's personal life because it is not any of your business. If being taunted by an individual about mistakes you have made in the past, tell them this isn’t something  you are talking about right now. When ask how much your car or home cost, tell them that is a personal and you do not discuss such manners. You can tell them you value the relationship and do not want to damage it. They need to stop talking about the situation. Period! Be direct and ask the person why are they asking you? Why do they want to know? Set the boundaries of the relationship and stick to your boundaries, most will get the message.


Human beings are all unique, yet we are all the same in many ways. Our stress level differs based on our personality and how we respond to situations. Some people let everything roll off their back. Yet others worry themselves sick. Set boundaries this holiday season and start enjoying a little less stress in life. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!